Lenny's Podcast: Product | Career | Growth
01:05:20 · Lenny Rachitsky
[01:05:20] S0: As you share these stories and examples, I'm just like, "I wish I had Dr Becky in my ear constantly giving me advice as I'm doing this stuff." And we'll talk about how people sort of can get that. But I'm actually really happy you talked about this I believe you Lesson. I was going to bring it up. That was right next on my notes. Because I've used it with my wife, actually, and it is so good and so effective. And this is why I love your advice is that it works not just for kids, it works for adults. Just like, "I believe you. I believe you feel this, even though I don't know why and I wouldn't feel that way, but just I believe you." I like this, this makes sense piece. I haven't thought about that. And then the I believe in you, that's interesting because I did talk about, the way I remember phrasing this, this was a moment I really remember just like, "You're smart, you'll figure this out." And then she just went back to me and she's like, "Wait. What did you just do there?" That felt really good.
01:06:09 · Becky Kennedy
[01:06:09] S1: Well, if you think about, and I'm very visual, so if you think about someone struggling, picture them in a hole, not an abyss, just like a little hole, okay? And we're a relational species, at least we'll see what happens with AI, but for now we're a relational species, okay? And so when we're really struggling, inherently, the reason why we're struggling is we're in a hole and we can't see the way out of it. If we were in a hole and could see the way out, we wouldn't struggle. So the only reason something feels so hard is because you're in a hole without visibility. So what do you need as a relational species? You need someone you trust to have one foot in the hole with you. You do. That's the I believe you part. So it might be saying to your kid, and those words are so powerful. I think deep down, Lenny, that's literally what we're all looking for as humans is just to be believed. "I believe you. You really don't want to go to soccer practice. You're no longer starting on the team. The first soccer practice after you lose your starting spot sucks, totally sucks. I believe you." But if you think about them in that hole, they need you to have one foot out of the hole. They need one foot in, but they need one foot out. Because if we can't see a more capable version of our kid than they can access in that moment, we've collapsed into the hole with them. And so the I believe you is, I believe in you would be, "Look, you're going to go to practice today. You are. I'll just be honest. It's not going to be fun. You're not going to want to be there the whole time. You're going to feel embarrassed. You're going to hate watching them run plays with you on the sideline, and you're going to come home having survived. I'm going to be there for a hug. I'm going to let you know I'm proud of you. Maybe I'm proudest of you that moment even more than when you scored the goal last game, because that's the hard stuff that's going to help you in life and we're going to get through it together." And so I think for anyone listening, I find what's really powerful with anything is thinking, what end of the spectrum am I on? Because it always gives me insight into where I can grow. Is the I believe you part easier for me or is the I believe in you part easier for me? And there's no morality. Just knowing where you are is helpful.
01:08:08 · Becky Kennedy, Lenny Rachitsky
Do I like to say to people, "Come on, it's no big deal. You can do it." Okay, that's the I believe in you. Ooh, I wonder if I'd be more effective if I focus on the first, I believe you. Or do I lead as a parent, as a leader with, I believe you, but ooh, do I sometimes go into the hole with someone? Oh, okay. It's the other part I'm going to play around with. And I think that gives us all something to action on. [01:08:29] S0: This is such good advice. I got tingles as you were describing what you were telling your kid. If there's anything you take away from this conversation, this is useful with kids, with partners, I think in work too, just this idea of I believe you and that makes sense. And then somehow making it clear that I believe in you. [01:08:49] S1: Yes. See a more capable version of them than they can see in the moment. Doing those two things at once, it's magic. I talk a good game. It's hard for me too. Again, these things are hard in practice, but at least, and I know you're like this too, it's helpful to have a framework to come back to. [01:09:02] S0: And just these words are s- [01:09:00] S1: You're like this too. It's helpful to have a framework to come back to.
01:09:00 · Becky Kennedy, Lenny Rachitsky
[01:09:00] S1: You're like this too. It's helpful to have a framework to come back to. [01:09:02] S0: Just these words are so... And you don't have to say them exactly, but these specific ways of phrasing is actually really great. Okay. Let's come back to how people can get your advice constantly. So a lot of people see your advice on TikTok and Instagram, just kind of on Twitter and all these places, just like, "Oh, there's Dr. Becky giving me some awesome advice." Not a lot of people know you have an epic business and product and community. Talk about that, just what you've built there, what it is, what people should know.
01:09:28 · Becky Kennedy
[01:09:28] S1: So what started as an... I put up my first Instagram post on, I think it was February 28th, 2020. So it was two weeks before New York City at least shut down, probably a lot of places in the US. And I didn't have some premonition about COVID. The timing was just kind of nutty. And I even put up that post without any business in mind. I felt so compelled by these ideas around what we've been talking about and how different they are from what we've been handed down to us as truth that the only way I can describe it is, this sounds like awful and visceral, but it felt like I was vomiting them out and I just needed somewhere to put them. And so when I look back, I was like, "Why did I do that?" I don't know. It was more like relief than intentional goal setting. And then New York City shut down. And then what happened was things just took fire. And what was really powerful and I just kind of watched happen and tried to respond to was the community that formed around it, what people wanted. I started doing these live workshops just because I had so much more to say than I could put into a carousel post. And the way people were connecting live, it still happens now in the live events. I think certain ideas I have or stories I tell can be really impactful to people, but if I had to choose between that versus what happens in our community, I would bet on the community every time. It's just amazing because I think these ideas tap into some value system or healing inside of ourselves and safe communities form around value systems. And so what ended up happening from there is people were just telling us. They actually kind of incepted this idea like, "Dr. Becky, I feel like you're doing parent school." And I was like, "What?" And they're like, "I go to school for everything that I've ever cared about." And I always joke that a friend said, "Do you know how much money I spent on gardening school? I like my flowers, but I care about my children more, but I've spent more time and I've invested more in my tiny little garden or my cooking or my hobby." Certainly I've spent more learning about Greek history, which for most of us, no shade to Greece, doesn't actually impact our life that much anymore than I have in parenting.
01:11:34 · Becky Kennedy, Lenny Rachitsky
And I realized, and this is what this whole, our business is around, is I really feel like parenting is the last area in life that we glorify instinct alone, where we say, especially to women, this whole idea of maternal instinct, I don't know, this is probably a little controversial, I was like, "Wow, what a way to gaslight parents." Not to say there aren't some moments that are instinctual, but if I'm parenting by instinct, do you want to know what I'm going to do when my kid has a tantrum or when my kids lies in my face? It's not going to be pretty. I don't know if any of us feel like that's a good option. [01:12:09] S0: I believe you. No, you would not do that.