A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

A child psychologist's guide to leading difficult adults

Dr. Becky Kennedy argues that the workplace and the family are the same system. All humans need the same things whether they are one or 85, and unmet needs lead people to express themselves badly. The tools that help parents raise resilient children, repair, connection, boundaries and sturdy leadership, work just as well on difficult adults at work. She built Good Inside on these principles.

Takeaways

• Adults and children need the same things. Kennedy says whether someone is one, five, 45 or 85, unmet needs lead to ineffective expression. The family and the workplace are systems governed by identical principles, so parenting tools transfer to managing difficult colleagues.
• Repair is the top relationship strategy. Going back after a moment you regret, taking responsibility, acknowledging impact and stating what you will do differently rebuilds trust. Secure attachment depends on repair, not perfection. Her family and workplace say 'Perfect is creepy.'
• Connection must come before correction. Kennedy's tax hypothetical shows that demanding action the moment someone sits down is not a listening problem. Connection bridges shared interest, starting with 30 seconds of presence without an agenda. Efficiency-oriented people find this awkward because work rewards speed.
• Assume the most generous interpretation. Separating behavior from identity, as in 'this is a good person who is late,' prevents defensiveness. Kennedy reframes a colleague belaboring a point as someone who may not feel heard. Bad behavior is feelings overpowering skills.
• Boundaries are what you will do. A boundary requires nothing of the other person and is not a request. Kennedy illustrates with elevator buttons and carrying a child to the car. When you set a new boundary, protest is a sign of success, not failure.
• Sturdy leaders validate without being overwhelmed. On a turbulent flight, only the pilot's third announcement worked. 'I know what I'm doing. This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me.' Sturdy leaders set limits and validate feelings while staying grounded.
• Optimize for resilience, not happiness. Kennedy says optimizing for childhood happiness is the quickest route to adult anxiety and fragility. Children learn to tolerate only the feelings their parents tolerate. Lenny connects this to Kim Scott's story of delayed feedback and a nine-month firing.

What Good Inside is building

• Kennedy posted her first Instagram post on February 28, 2020, about two weeks before New York City shut down, without any business in mind.
• The app includes an AI chatbot, Gigi, that helps parents in the moment and spots common themes across their questions.