Inspired with Alexa von Tobel
00:15:05 · Nate Berkus
[00:15:05] S0: That's still evolving, I would say. I would say that my fear around it in the immediate aftermath was that I would be weird forever because I felt really weird. When you witness... Also, I'm sorry to know that about your father. I didn't know that. And I'm sure he would be dying of pride with everything that you've gone Toby. On to Oh, really? I didn't know that. Oh, that's the sweetest because she's the sweetest. Oh, that's so great. I'm so grateful his name wasn't Rosie. It's only downhill from there. I would say that the reason I answer that it's evolving is that the initial shock took a couple of years to wear off, but I had so much happening at the time. I had a book going, my first book going to publication that Fernando had shot the cover image of me. I had a line of 80 SKUs launching at linens and things in in store Nate Berkus stores in over a thousand doors that fall. I had all these obligations, and they were exciting, wonderful obligations before the tsunami, and then after the tsunami, they weren't. I had no interest at all, in anything that I had been trying to build, been so proud of, none of it mattered. And I remember working with a grief counselor at the time who was really effective and I said to him, I just want to feel normal, but I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. And he said to me, It's a new normal, and you'll start to understand what I mean, that grief isn't linear, it's cyclical, and that it was okay to not be able to get out of bed on a Tuesday, but then perhaps on the anniversary of the actual event of the tsunami and Fernando's disappearance, I might feel okay that day, and that is also okay. And so I was learning this skillset about how to move through the world post a natural disaster, a traumatic event, and great personal loss. I was very much sensitive to all the loss that was attached to the tsunami worldwide. I knew I wasn't the only survivor story, I certainly didn't feel like the most important one. The locals in Sri Lanka watching their hospitality to the foreigners and the travelers, that whole culture rose up to protect us, which was also a great life lesson, but I think as I move through the world now, so many decades later, I really think that what it did was it changed me fundamentally by making me feel a deeper connection to people.
00:18:28 · Nate Berkus
And that was the great lesson, the great gift that was buried in that experience. Obviously, my whole family, my children, my husband, everyone, but I think I still kind of reel sometimes when I think that I found great love twice. I don't know who that happens to. I'm so deeply grateful for that. So that matters to me, and being able to function, thrive, get excited by life, love brings that into the picture pretty strongly. So I have a really, really solid foundation as a result of that.
00:19:11 · Alexa von Tobel, Nate Berkus
[00:19:11] S1: Nate, one of the things I sort of learned about myself is that I've always been really emotionally attracted to people that can really see a lot of complexity. That just, you know, we're given this one gift of life and life is complicated. It's extremely complicated. And I think that's one of the reasons why I just like deeply adore you so much is like you can feel your ability to manage a lot of emotional complexity and and be sturdy actually through it all. It's just something that you exude. I wanna go to the future and talking about just everything that you've built. But first, I wanna say the one fun fact, which is I met you. I Mhmm. Twenty ten ish where I was your personal finance expert on the Nate Berkus show, and, obviously, Oprah Winfrey show launched you. You managed many television shows that I I, as a design obsessed person, just really enjoyed watching, American Dream Builders, hosted many shows with Jeremiah. So you launched your design firm at 24, then went out and managed many large television shows. What about that chapter of your life? Talk to us about that. [00:20:35] S0: About the early days on TV or about just, like, the... How it's always been kind of a part of what I've done? [00:20:41] S1: Been a What have you learned from that?
00:20:46 · Nate Berkus
[00:20:46] S0: So you have to be really dumb to be a part of the Oprah show for twelve years and not get a lesson every time you're in the building. You really have to have earmuffs on and blinders on to not be in that environment of strength and lucidity and authenticity and joy and support and not take something away for yourself. I mean, her audience for twenty five years took something away for themselves every day and Oprah was aware that she was more of a vessel than she never viewed herself as this big celebrity. She was the conduit to give people information, to show them things, to share stories. So again, I would have to be pretty stupid not to take everything that Harpo gave me and push that out into the world in my own way, which I feel like I've done. I mean, do I love doing TV? Not really. It's not my favorite thing in the world. I've never cared about being in Us Weekly or being recognized on the street or whatever. From a business standpoint, it's always been a means to an end. The TV brings the endorsement deals, the TV brings the licensing deals. So because it's not like my great passion, my great ambition to be a TV star, I've been very strategic about what TV has done for me and also what I can do on TV. Part of that is that my husband and I have been the only openly gay family on television for years. We have a huge responsibility to show these kids who, when I was a kid, I never saw anybody on TV married to another man, raising great kids, dealing with... I never saw anything that represented that all of our love is the same, that we connect and love and need the same way no matter what gender we're in. So for me, I recognize that very early on. Funny story, years ago Oprah used to do this thing called Fridays Live and it was a revolving cast of which I was a part of and it was kind of like a talk, it was toward the end of Harpo. I think they were trying to figure out what was coming next. So it would be me, Gayle King, Ali Wentworth, Oprah on a panel, kind of like the bizarro view, and then there would always be a movie star, like Hugh Jackman or whoever that week. And we were in a pre show meeting after the tsunami, years after the tsunami, and Gayle said, Well, I think gay marriage was just legalized in Iowa. It was the first state to to legalize gay marriage.
00:23:38 · Nate Berkus
I think we should talk about that this Friday, and Nate, I think you should lead the conversation. I said, Of course, great. She said, And I also think, I don't think that people know you're gay. And Oprah looked at Gayle and said, what are you talking about, Gayle? He talked about the tsunami on this show. Everyone knows he's gay. He's never hidden the fact that he was gay. Gayle, you're crazy. And Gayle was adamant that the audience was watching and wanted to see what they wanted to see and that some registered that, she felt the majority of the audience didn't register that. So it was a very funny Friday's live because we ran this tape of these two women getting married in Iowa, and then this footage of all these marriages happening, gay marriages happening in Iowa that day, and Gayle just said, And what do you think about that, Nate? And I said, Well, as a gay man, I'm really happy that Iowa has passed this law. But it's an interesting thing. TV has never been the end goal for me. It's always been about the messaging. I believe in the power of it. I believe in the transformation of both people and spaces, and I have a very dodgy kind of short attention span, so having had my design firm for many years before I did the first TV makeover back in the day, I loved that it was like one week from start to finish and you have a million producers working and things are being FedExed and construction's accelerated by 6000%, and I wish I could run every project like that. I would stay up all night for a week and just have the napkin rings ready.
00:25:34 · Alexa von Tobel, Nate Berkus
[00:25:34] S1: And knock it out, knock it out. [00:25:36] S0: Knock it out. I mean, it's so satisfying still to this day. And the other great gift I will say, which I'll never tire of, which not a lot of people have ever experienced, is that moment when you're standing with a homeowner hand in hand and their eyes are closed and your eyes are open and you get to say welcome home. Because when they open their eyes, it's like this, it's so powerful and you can see their vision for themselves and for their lives materialized and hopefully better, the slightly bigger dream. So it's just like that I'm not tired of. I could do it for years. [00:26:16] S1: Nate, I remember being on set, and again, was in my 20s, and you know, would get all dressed up and go and have my five minutes, and I remember walking away thinking to myself, oh my god, I never realize how hard someone works running a show. [00:26:33] S0: Oh, it's horrible. [00:26:34] S1: I just, I actually physically could feel, and as somebody who's always been, you know, hard work is my superpower. [00:26:39] S0: Right. Yeah. No one's ever questioned your work ethic ever. [00:26:43] S1: From hard work. And I I just remember walking away and being like, my goodness. Like, of course, there's all the glamour externally, but internally, he works really hard. And I just remember walking away being very impressed by the level of effort that you always put into everything that you do.